Friday, July 25, 2014

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

hey mind reader

you know me in a way no one ever has.  you open me to things i never knew existed. you  drive me to insanity and push me to my depths. and you dont even have to try. you bring out all my flaws and hand them to me to be fixed.  you teach me how to admit defeat, to let things go, and to leave things that attached the most. you are everything i could ever wanted and you are the one i could never have.

and it frustrates the hell out of me.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

it has been a surprise to get into you

dear you,

i need to seek my self through this pile of crowd. i need to figure things out. like where i am going, what i actually want, and it really is a pain in the bump. i need to actually know my self, before someone else tell me who i am to them. i thought i will be needing someone's assistance in solving this riddle, someone that knows me more than i know my self. but as things happen, i realise that i need to walk this journey alone, i need to be able to find my self, on my own, without anyone's help, not even you.

and perhaps, you do too.

and if we do belong together, we will get to see each other in a year or two, or maybe sooner, or later. that way you will see me as a new yet better person and i will do too. and when we meet, we will finally know what we want, and things might start fits perfectly together. who knows.

so for now we go our separate ways, and we will see


Monday, April 23, 2012

things i cant have.

please protect me from what i want, take control of my will.
alter me so i could at least desire what i need.

Thursday, February 16, 2012


i have been through everything, and this big transition surprisingly had me on my knees. i have passed all these physical test. this juggler has been a real juggler for the past 3 years. ah not just a juggler, a single fighter with imaginary cliche dream. a single fighter who believes in the word 'someday'. but apparently that 'someday', has refused to come. i was trembling.

give me tons of workload, dare me, i'll surely carry it with just one hand. dare me to walk thousand miles, i'll do it wholeheartedly. dare me to have one sleepless night at all, i'll show you how capable i am. but break my heart, and you will see a numbly dumb child, driving blindfolded, waiting for guidance. i'd rather work 10 hours nonstop than to have my heart broken. indeed. heart is deceiving. my biggest enemy of all.

i know i was stumbled by my own cockiness. i reap what i have sown. yet it still took me some times to understand what went wrong. it took me some times to never stop asking why. it took me some time to question His will. it took me some times to get the fact that the game is over. til one day, i reached the extent where i gave up. i gave up living a lie. i am drained. exhausted, inside out. fighting for something without His approval, trying to supersede His plan. God has been giving me a thousands of no. but here iam, being too ignorance.

some said love is about time. during all those hardship, how strong your will to wait that counts, even the storm strikes so bad. in terms of that, love, my version of love, is simply the ability to let go. this big transition has taught me that there are some things beyond my control. and that is, God's portion. to love someone sincerely is to place him in God's hands, and believe that He will hand you the best. and when He asked me to give it up, the hardest thing to do is to obey and trust. at that time, i thought God was joking.

i am (still) thinking that God was joking. but i know someday i will be smart enough to understand the master plan behind His joke. and someday, i will say thank God for letting things happen. indeed. i am still the same person that once believed in 'someday'. However, this time, i know this 'someday' will not refuse to come. this 'someday' will never only be a false hope.

"letting go is a part of growing up" - Awen


ps: if you have been there and done that, and it didnt do you any good, would you go back again?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

wheel of life.

20 December 2010

was in the very top of my life.
i was 20, almost graduated from Queensland University of Technology, Australia, bachelor of advertising.
i was 20, and i got decent job already, as a marketing communication of a very well known newspaper in Jakarta, Harian Seputar Indonesia while spending a long christmas break in Indonesia.
i was 20, and i got a perfect boyfriend that promised me the world, promised me forever. really grateful that we were so secure, nothing could ever break us but the distance. even both of our whole family and friends support us. we were a fairy tale, with "happily ever after" labeled on our forehead.
i was 20, and surrounded by so many loyal friends. spend my whole weekend with them, while boo was away in Bali due to his internship. never i felt alone, never i felt miserable.
i was 20, and surrounded by adequate facilities and supportive parents.

i might be the luckiest 20-years-old girl ever alive. life was beyond good.

20 December 2011

i am 21. seeing my watery eyes, my incapability to move on whilst life keeps revolving as if nothing happens, and my incapability to kiss goodbye my sorrow, we all must have agreed that life, is pretty much like a wheel.

Thursday, December 8, 2011


someday someone is going to thank you for not giving me any second chance. good bye. i wish you nothing but the best.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

thanks God for your healing that on its way

i believe that there is power here for miracles, to set the captives free and make the broken whole again.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

God"s promise

“For the iniquity of his covetousness I was angry and struck him; I hid and was angry, and he went on backsliding in the way of his heart.
I have seen his ways, and will heal him; I will also lead him, and restore comforts to him and to his mourners” (Hosea 3: 17-18).

i praise God for His love is good. For all these overwhelming events that i may trust in Him more. For all those healing that He promise me, that is on its way. I praise the lord for He is good. for His greater plan, that adjust my own plan to His, and make it beautiful in His time.

i praise God for whatever happen in my life. God is good all the time, even when i cant seem to understand Him. even when He says wait when i ask for answers. For i know He has better timing, that i may learn some more in the mean time. i praise the Lord, God is good

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


i need You to tell me right away. what You want me to do. not by coincidence, not by inner voice, not by people telling me so. i want You personally telling me, what is right. cause iam done guessing, i am done asking for signs.

Sunday, October 16, 2011


so this is it, iam planning a run away, to chase something that i once took for granted. iam hoping for the best, but i dont prepare for the worst.
no, i dont plan for any plan b whatsoever, i am not planning to fail.
this has to work.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

day in a life

my day starts at 10 am in the morning

9.30am - 3pm : work
5pm - 8pm : uni
9pm - 10 pm : a nap. yes i call it a nap.
10pm - 3am: assignment (red: procrastinating)
3am - 4am: sleep
4am - 9am: the most productive hours - assignment


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

could not bear

what makes this ten times worse is that life goes on. it just hurts so much living life pretending that nothing is wrong, pretending that everything is just fine, pretending that you are still there, waiting and fighting for me. now that we are over, i dont want to be normal for a few moment, can i just run away?

Monday, October 3, 2011


it hurts so much that i could not find any word to write.
i thought all these days i have been counting down to forever,
but apparently it leads me into goodbye.
yes. i never thought i would say goodbye to you.
i never thought you would be the one with a white flag.

so thank you, for a very remarkable 27 months together.
thank you Made Rayga Prayogi Inggas. for those 2 years fantasy.
we have been fighting like there is no tomorrow
now that it is over, please excuse me. i am drained.

yes distance, let me make this clear for you.
we give up.

Thursday, September 29, 2011


the worse feeling is when you finally reach the extent of wanting something really bad for a very long period of time, just to know that it is not for you to have.

in the end

and in the end, it is me who will feel lost. cus the attachment between us, is not even.
this is what kills me the most. knowing that you can still feel fine, without me being around.


i dont need to know why or what is inside your mind. all i need to know is that i gotta stop trying.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

heaven and hell

as i grow older my eyes are wide open to see that you dont love people from the way they look, it is far beyond physical perfection. those kind of attraction wont last long and that kind of love will vanish as time goes by. for what you see in your eyes may fade away when their true colour shown. the greater feeling comes when your logic cant seem to find the reason why, when you fight like no one else but still care anyway, when you are blinded by their ability to solve riddle you cant solve, and when physical imperfection no longer counts. it simply when everything becomes irrational.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


one of those nights when you are too tired but you cant sleep.
one of those nights when you know you cant be juggler no more.
one of those nights when you need someone to talk to but no one listens but the wall.
one of those nights when you realise the only people who cares for you are miles away.
one of those nights when you keep prioritising the one who just made you as an option.
one of those nights when you need to make decision but u dont even know what u want.
one of those nights when even your parents cant give you good advise and leaving all the rest to you.

those stupid same nights.

you bleed just to know that you still have heart.
you bleed just to understand what goes wrong.
you bleed yourself trying.

nobody could see the lonesome beneath all those laughter and hard work.
and between those city lights and sky crapper,
you cant help but being fragile.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Friday, September 16, 2011


i might not be the prettiest, but i deserve respect as well.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

acting fool

a part of me never gave up on the idea that we would finally come together eventually. cus we are connected, we always will be.

Monday, September 12, 2011


some people understand, some people dont. and i dont fucking care if you dont. try to stand on my shoes, then u may judge.

Friday, September 9, 2011


how are you? are you happy? and how's life so far without me? do u miss me?


dont be too attached to someone. cus u cant guarantee the amount of attachment will always be equally the same. people leave eventually, remember?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


i am a rookie juggler. no doubt. there is a time i feel like giving up facing all those massive workload. there is a time i think i cannot keep up, and there is a time i feel like a clown. but after all, nothing beats the feeling when i am finally succeed in managing the balance right. there is a time i hate being me, but i know deep down in my heart, i love my life.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

great loss

just lost one of my greatest motivator. currently hating life and its immortality.

Monday, August 29, 2011


We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

treasuring trust

sometimes it is better not to know everything. then you can trust more and just be naive. being stupid is easier, and less hurt.