i know You have been watching me like forever and You can see, how my pride hurted. i thank You for the people who have been so nice to me, for the chances that You have given for me. and i thank You, For the people that have been taking me for granted for some reasons, people who have been ignoring my thought, people who never take me seriously because of my limitation, because of my incapability. God, i beg You, heal me. Give me understanding that we, human, have our own part in this world.
You know how hurted it is when You feel like You cant count on anybody but Yourself. I know it feels like i forget to be grateful for people that You have given to me to help me. You know what it is about God, You know it so well. Words cant describe how i feel. You see beyond my heart. You see my tears during the night, and no one hears. i should have known that i cant count on nobody but You. not even the one that i always look up to Forgive me God. Forgive me that i prefer to count on something that i think more real than You. Who am i to think that You are surreal.
i will be one year older in few days, and i feel like i am supposed to feel special or something. no, i dont. i have this big dark shadow in my heart called emptiness. i cant move on. i simply cant.
anyway, 20 is a big deal, i dont think im ready to have this number in my forehead. Give me wisdom God, You know that im not even close to it. no im not.
You know what bothers me the most lately. You know how this future thingy has scared me like totally. You know how afraid i am not to finally get what i have been working for. You know how terrified i am not to have things i want the most. You know it all God. stand by me, give me the strength and serenity to accept things i cannot control. You know that world does not revolve around me that i cant always get what i always wanted. God, i need more strength, cause im just a human, fragile.
as usual, words fail me. if only i could talk to You face to face, like bestfriends always do. if only You could hug me and whisper me that everything is gonna be allright. Cause now, i desperately need one.
nb: what took You so long to heal me? is it inappropriate to ask for an instant healing?