Tuesday, December 20, 2011

wheel of life.

20 December 2010

was in the very top of my life.
i was 20, almost graduated from Queensland University of Technology, Australia, bachelor of advertising.
i was 20, and i got decent job already, as a marketing communication of a very well known newspaper in Jakarta, Harian Seputar Indonesia while spending a long christmas break in Indonesia.
i was 20, and i got a perfect boyfriend that promised me the world, promised me forever. really grateful that we were so secure, nothing could ever break us but the distance. even both of our whole family and friends support us. we were a fairy tale, with "happily ever after" labeled on our forehead.
i was 20, and surrounded by so many loyal friends. spend my whole weekend with them, while boo was away in Bali due to his internship. never i felt alone, never i felt miserable.
i was 20, and surrounded by adequate facilities and supportive parents.

i might be the luckiest 20-years-old girl ever alive. life was beyond good.

20 December 2011

i am 21. seeing my watery eyes, my incapability to move on whilst life keeps revolving as if nothing happens, and my incapability to kiss goodbye my sorrow, we all must have agreed that life, is pretty much like a wheel.

Thursday, December 8, 2011


someday someone is going to thank you for not giving me any second chance. good bye. i wish you nothing but the best.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

thanks God for your healing that on its way

i believe that there is power here for miracles, to set the captives free and make the broken whole again.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

God"s promise

“For the iniquity of his covetousness I was angry and struck him; I hid and was angry, and he went on backsliding in the way of his heart.
I have seen his ways, and will heal him; I will also lead him, and restore comforts to him and to his mourners” (Hosea 3: 17-18).

i praise God for His love is good. For all these overwhelming events that i may trust in Him more. For all those healing that He promise me, that is on its way. I praise the lord for He is good. for His greater plan, that adjust my own plan to His, and make it beautiful in His time.

i praise God for whatever happen in my life. God is good all the time, even when i cant seem to understand Him. even when He says wait when i ask for answers. For i know He has better timing, that i may learn some more in the mean time. i praise the Lord, God is good

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


i need You to tell me right away. what You want me to do. not by coincidence, not by inner voice, not by people telling me so. i want You personally telling me, what is right. cause iam done guessing, i am done asking for signs.

Sunday, October 16, 2011


so this is it, iam planning a run away, to chase something that i once took for granted. iam hoping for the best, but i dont prepare for the worst.
no, i dont plan for any plan b whatsoever, i am not planning to fail.
this has to work.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

day in a life

my day starts at 10 am in the morning

9.30am - 3pm : work
5pm - 8pm : uni
9pm - 10 pm : a nap. yes i call it a nap.
10pm - 3am: assignment (red: procrastinating)
3am - 4am: sleep
4am - 9am: the most productive hours - assignment


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

could not bear

what makes this ten times worse is that life goes on. it just hurts so much living life pretending that nothing is wrong, pretending that everything is just fine, pretending that you are still there, waiting and fighting for me. now that we are over, i dont want to be normal for a few moment, can i just run away?

Monday, October 3, 2011


it hurts so much that i could not find any word to write.
i thought all these days i have been counting down to forever,
but apparently it leads me into goodbye.
yes. i never thought i would say goodbye to you.
i never thought you would be the one with a white flag.

so thank you, for a very remarkable 27 months together.
thank you Made Rayga Prayogi Inggas. for those 2 years fantasy.
we have been fighting like there is no tomorrow
now that it is over, please excuse me. i am drained.

yes distance, let me make this clear for you.
we give up.

Thursday, September 29, 2011


the worse feeling is when you finally reach the extent of wanting something really bad for a very long period of time, just to know that it is not for you to have.

in the end

and in the end, it is me who will feel lost. cus the attachment between us, is not even.
this is what kills me the most. knowing that you can still feel fine, without me being around.


i dont need to know why or what is inside your mind. all i need to know is that i gotta stop trying.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

heaven and hell

as i grow older my eyes are wide open to see that you dont love people from the way they look, it is far beyond physical perfection. those kind of attraction wont last long and that kind of love will vanish as time goes by. for what you see in your eyes may fade away when their true colour shown. the greater feeling comes when your logic cant seem to find the reason why, when you fight like no one else but still care anyway, when you are blinded by their ability to solve riddle you cant solve, and when physical imperfection no longer counts. it simply when everything becomes irrational.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


one of those nights when you are too tired but you cant sleep.
one of those nights when you know you cant be juggler no more.
one of those nights when you need someone to talk to but no one listens but the wall.
one of those nights when you realise the only people who cares for you are miles away.
one of those nights when you keep prioritising the one who just made you as an option.
one of those nights when you need to make decision but u dont even know what u want.
one of those nights when even your parents cant give you good advise and leaving all the rest to you.

those stupid same nights.

you bleed just to know that you still have heart.
you bleed just to understand what goes wrong.
you bleed yourself trying.

nobody could see the lonesome beneath all those laughter and hard work.
and between those city lights and sky crapper,
you cant help but being fragile.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Friday, September 16, 2011


i might not be the prettiest, but i deserve respect as well.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

acting fool

a part of me never gave up on the idea that we would finally come together eventually. cus we are connected, we always will be.

Monday, September 12, 2011


some people understand, some people dont. and i dont fucking care if you dont. try to stand on my shoes, then u may judge.

Friday, September 9, 2011


how are you? are you happy? and how's life so far without me? do u miss me?


dont be too attached to someone. cus u cant guarantee the amount of attachment will always be equally the same. people leave eventually, remember?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


i am a rookie juggler. no doubt. there is a time i feel like giving up facing all those massive workload. there is a time i think i cannot keep up, and there is a time i feel like a clown. but after all, nothing beats the feeling when i am finally succeed in managing the balance right. there is a time i hate being me, but i know deep down in my heart, i love my life.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

great loss

just lost one of my greatest motivator. currently hating life and its immortality.

Monday, August 29, 2011


We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

treasuring trust

sometimes it is better not to know everything. then you can trust more and just be naive. being stupid is easier, and less hurt.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

unhealthy life

you know you live unhealthy life when you eat pizza for your dinner, and drink soda to keep you from starving.

Friday, August 19, 2011


" i dont wanna fall another moment into your gravity "

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

single fighter.

life hurts, boy lies, friends leave, people ignore, others manipulate, parents forget. there is no such thing as a loyal companion i tell you. you are on your own. even when you cry and scream, nobody will be care enough to listen.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


God iam not going through this things again. my heart is so aching i could die

Sunday, August 14, 2011

broken heart

there are many kinds of broken heart. people often mention that they get their heart broken over their ex without realising that getting your heart broken over your bestfriend is way much more painful.


iam so excited doing my first project, ever since i finish my bachelor degree. got lack of budget, resources and time though. but i do believe in miracle that we can overcome these challenges :)

Saturday, August 13, 2011


Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to meet every second minute of the day. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. - Louis de Bernières (Captain Corelli's Mandolin)

and i love u, i really do. thank you for staying when you know walking away would be so much easier. thank you, thank you, a dozen of thankyou :)


i am a coward. i am afraid of coming back cus i am afraid of the leaving. i am afraid of meeting new friends cus i am afraid of losing them eventually. simple word, i just hate goodbyes. no matter how beautiful what you have been through, it simply wont last.

Thursday, August 11, 2011


i cant keep up, n i got no back up. and all these people suddenly come, putting me pressure, without asking if i am able to cope or even offering some help. it probably does not mean anything for you guys, but i have my own limitation. i am sorry, but i am done, and i quit.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

fail juggler

i am about to cry to see all these sudden workload. i am too small i just cant cope. and all these master thingy, stress me the hell out. what if i cant keep up?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Friday, July 22, 2011

now this is unfair

so there is this guy that is SO worth fighting for, would go thousand miles only to please her, keep waiting patiently though she always hurts his pride. yet she does not know how to love him back equally. she is lost, way too lost.

Sunday, July 17, 2011


6 truth about life:

  1. What i love the most about life is, it is full of surprises. u barely know what tomorrow could bring.
  2. Life is a mystery. there will always be something hidden in every words spoken, and unexpectedly feeling beneath the heart
  3. For those who said life is unfair, must have not heard of the term "what goes around comes around" life is indeed fair. as i believe God never sleeps.
  4. There is no such thing as mistake in life. There will always be something good comes from it. cause life is about learning and mistakes make you grow.
  5. Life is beautiful, in His time. it is determined on how much effort you have put, and how sincere you are when you do it. everything you do will never be useless
  6. Being an insecure mess is such a major waste of time. Cause in the end, you get what you deserve


Thursday, July 14, 2011


i want to go somewhere new, to meet people who see me differently.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


because i do not trust people. i just dont. trust hurts.

forever (?)

the word 'forever' is not applied in real life. people change. people leave. eventually.

bad keeper

i am undoubtedly not a good keeper. so do not bank on me, for i will end up letting you down.

Friday, July 8, 2011


i keep chasing people who do not appreciate me and abandoned people who treats me equally. is this considered as mental?

Monday, July 4, 2011


God i know you see us from above, and i have faith that you will not stay still. seeing this unfairness.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

let go

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.

Gloria Naylor quote


"Take it all away if You see fit... for none of anything matters if not for You... just give me a pure heart after You"
this post chocked me a bit.
dear God, please give me serenity to accept things i cant control, and give me power to change things i can change.
yes God, let it be. just let everything be
not my will, Yours be done.

Friday, July 1, 2011


just because iam useless, doesnt mean you can talk to me like i dont matter.
just because iam a clown, doesnt mean you can treat me like i dont have heart.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011


took a while for me to realize that i come there not to make friends, but to make money.


i hate when people shout at me for things i didnt do.

Saturday, June 25, 2011


just so you know, the clown needs a break. for clown is still human after all.

Friday, June 24, 2011

dear God

i dont know why but my heart keeps aching

Thursday, June 23, 2011

in a desperate need of simple love

i miss the time when love was easy. when love was simply about dating on the weekend, having lunch together, giving a ride home, and a late night call. unlike now. as if you were forced into a war trying to win the unconditional, but u always fail. Love like this is like two sides of coins. your glass is full with feelings like I love you but i dont trust you, i hate you but i miss you, i cant live my life with people like you, but i will just be a useless toy trying to live without you. It is just like living in a circle. you cant stop going through the same things over and over again. i am sick of this. Why cant we just be normal?

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

it is (not) okay

it was okay when u punch me right on my pride, step on my thought, throw away the best part of me, and even rip everything in front of my nose. until u take the only thing i have, and turn it into puppet. u have jumped into the line, and it is just beyond my limit.
no, it is not okay now.

an insecure mess

i feel like a walking bomb which is ready to explode. i do not tolerate things. i am being negative. the pain that i have hidden inside for so long has turned into a massive bomb. apparently i have poisoned my heart with too much hatred.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

legal age

the best thing of having birthday is the world feels like revolving around you
especially when it is your 21st

Saturday, May 14, 2011


"treat people like the way you want to be treated"
But apparently what happen in the real world is people do not treat you like the way you treated them.
so please cut it out, that quote is ancient.

Sunday, May 1, 2011


having a long distance relationship is just like driving your car blindfolded. you barely know what is in front of you and you hardly know which direction you are heading to. It is like driving a relationship with eyes closed. you blind yourself for everything that happen surrounds you, cus you cant see further anyway. It is like living in a role play. you have to act like you dont mind, when you actually mind. trust is all what you got. it is not the distance that matters, it is the trust. and when it is broken, you cant have anything but a broken heart and a broken relationship.

and you finally have my heart broken. thank you.