i have been through everything, and this big transition surprisingly had me on my knees. i have passed all these physical test. this juggler has been a real juggler for the past 3 years. ah not just a juggler, a single fighter with imaginary cliche dream. a single fighter who believes in the word 'someday'. but apparently that 'someday', has refused to come. i was trembling.
give me tons of workload, dare me, i'll surely carry it with just one hand. dare me to walk thousand miles, i'll do it wholeheartedly. dare me to have one sleepless night at all, i'll show you how capable i am. but break my heart, and you will see a numbly dumb child, driving blindfolded, waiting for guidance. i'd rather work 10 hours nonstop than to have my heart broken. indeed. heart is deceiving. my biggest enemy of all.
i know i was stumbled by my own cockiness. i reap what i have sown. yet it still took me some times to understand what went wrong. it took me some times to never stop asking why. it took me some time to question His will. it took me some times to get the fact that the game is over. til one day, i reached the extent where i gave up. i gave up living a lie. i am drained. exhausted, inside out. fighting for something without His approval, trying to supersede His plan. God has been giving me a thousands of no. but here iam, being too ignorance.
some said love is about time. during all those hardship, how strong your will to wait that counts, even the storm strikes so bad. in terms of that, love, my version of love, is simply the ability to let go. this big transition has taught me that there are some things beyond my control. and that is, God's portion. to love someone sincerely is to place him in God's hands, and believe that He will hand you the best. and when He asked me to give it up, the hardest thing to do is to obey and trust. at that time, i thought God was joking.
i am (still) thinking that God was joking. but i know someday i will be smart enough to understand the master plan behind His joke. and someday, i will say thank God for letting things happen. indeed. i am still the same person that once believed in 'someday'. However, this time, i know this 'someday' will not refuse to come. this 'someday' will never only be a false hope.
"letting go is a part of growing up" - Awen
ps: if you have been there and done that, and it didnt do you any good, would you go back again?